Tile: The Affairs of Dragons
Summary: On a typically bizarre away mission, Kirk must handle the delicate issue of the traditional sacrifice to a dragon. Inspired by the song 'Do Virgins Taste Better?' by Brobdingnagian Bards (google them, they're great)
Rating: NC-17 (for obvious reasons)
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek even though it seems to own a significant share in my imagination.
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?
Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what?
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?
As Kirk surveyed the serpentine creature lying on what certainly appeared to be a bed of gemstones and gold, he couldn't help wondering how it was that fate kept dealing him the most fucked up missions possible. Surely other starship captains didn't face this sort of thing on a regular basis?
"Fascinating, Captain." Spock said, one eyebrow inching up into the special look that said that this would be an amazing thing to study if not for the extreme likelihood that it was going to kill us. "It appears to be -"
"A dragon. Yes, I know, Spock." Kirk whispered. It hadn't moved yet, other twitching a nostril, and despite the fact that its slitted eyes were open, it seemed to be resting. Kirk was hoping to keep things that way until he could figure out how to get the hell out of this.
They had beamed down to one of the larger pre-industrial villages on Draconis IV (in retrospect, the planet's name really should have been a clue) and been surprised by how happy the locals were to see a group of complete strangers. After being welcomed like royalty and provided with a huge feast, they had been paraded out into the mountains ostensibly to meet the ruler of the village and surrounding countryside. Upon reaching a large cave, they had suddenly found themselves surrounded by a ring of very sharp implements and summarily deprived of their phasers and communicators, before being forced into the ruler's chamber.
Said ruler was apparently a dragon right out European folklore, although a bit more colorful. It was covered in interlocking shiny magenta scales with a crest of cyan fur, or possibly very fine feathers, and gleaming silver talons. Just when Jim was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't all that interested in meeting them, and with a little stealth and fast-talking they might be able to slip out with a promise to call again some other time, the dragon's long forked tongue slid out tasting their scent on the air. It stretched, raised its head and almost daintily crossed its forelegs, tapping a single curved talon thoughtfully.
The dragon greeted them with a toothy smile, seeming to speak directly into their minds. Welcome, off-worlders. To what do I owe a visit by such rare delicacies?
Kirk swallowed uncomfortably. Being referred to as a delicacy was probably not a positive sign here. Nevertheless, he stepped forward and put on his best first contact face to deliver the standard spiel. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise, representing the United Federation of Planets. We are on a mission of peaceful exploration and mean you no harm."
There was a rumbling sound from the dragon that Kirk was pretty sure was a laugh. How very reassuring. I, on the other hand, intend to have one of you for dinner as my people seem to have brought you in lieu of the regular sacrifice. Now, who among your party is a virgin?
The dragon apparently had tastes beyond a bed of treasure in common with the dragons of earth lore. Jim almost sighed in relief as he surveyed the landing party. Clearly he himself was right off the menu. Ditto McCoy. It was pretty well known that Sulu rarely passed up an opportunity to practice with any expandable sword, so no problem there, and despite how discreet Spock and Uhura tried to be, he felt pretty confident that his XO didn't qualify as dragon food. That left the two security officers. From what he recalled of the mini-orgy following the advanced combat final, Lt. Marks was totally safe, which left only... Dear God, was Cupcake blushing? Surely not?
Ahhh. The dragon's tongue snaked out, delicately tasting Cupcake's cheek. This one will do nicely. The rest of you may go.
The dragon's dismissal was so absolute that Jim took an involuntary step backward.
"Jim," Bones hissed. "You're not -"
"No, of course not." Jim hissed back. It wasn't that he was overly fond of Cupcake, but (a) despite their initial run-ins, he had proven to be a loyal officer, (b) he was a member of Kirk's crew, and therefore his responsibility, and (c) he was a security officer and Kirk would damned if he was going to explain to Cmdr. Giotto that another one of his men had bought it on an away mission because the man in question happened to be the only virgin available.
Hmm. Man in Question. That brought up an interesting point. "Excuse me, but I thought dragons pretty much stuck exclusively to female virgins?"
There was another laugh-like rumble from the dragon. Many do. However, I have found that I rather like man meat.
There was something about the feel of the dragon's voice in his head. Kirk looked at Spock.
"Yes," Spock said in a low voice. "I believe you are correct. This dragon is a female."
A grin spread over Jim's face as his natural player instincts rose to the fore. If he was dealing with a female, he had a better than average chance of sweet-talking their way out of this. After all, he'd seduced not only almost all the humanoid women he'd ever hit on, but had a solid record of success with aliens so far from humanoid that the concept of female only barely applied (not that it necessarily had to - Jim was an equal opportunity hound. But he generally had much better luck with women).
"Okay, dragon, but you see, we still have this mission to study new civilizations, so maybe you could help us, you know, answer some questions before getting down to dinner?" He beamed his opening move smile. "Actually, it seems a little awkward calling you 'dragon'; do you have a name?"
Shivisa Magnifica Draconis
Jim grinned in triumph. He was totally going to wait for just the right moment to tell Uhura that the dragon had given him her full name right off. "Wow. That is an awesome name. Do you mind if I call you Shivisa? You can call me Jim, by the way."
That would be acceptable, Jim. What are your questions? The dragon looked faintly amused. That hadn't been quite what he was shooting for, but if he could keep her amused long enough, maybe Scotty would get concerned and send down an appropriately armed search party before she got too peckish.
"Well, this sacrifice - how often does this happen and how did you get the villagers to agree to it?"
I require sacrifice only twice a year. It is a very reasonable price to pay for my protection. The dragon gave a small puff of sulfurous smoke. And they seem to prefer themselves unscalded.
Yeah. Bet they do. "So, no one tries to interfere?"
Shivisa dredged a scorched and ancient looking broadsword from somewhere in her pile of treasure and idly twiddled it in her talons. It has been a very long time since the last attempt.
"But don't they have trouble finding virgins?" Jim couldn't help but think that the prospect of becoming dragon chow had probably elevated the art of begging for sex to a whole new level around here.
Why would they? Shivisa sounded slightly insulted. That was definitely not a good thing.
Jim switched gears, turning the Kirk charm on full blast. "Don't get me wrong - I could totally see a guy saving himself just on the hope of entering the presence of a magnificently alluring creature like yourself." Did the dragon just preen a little? Jim grinned slyly. "I mean, if I'd had any idea someone like you existed in the cosmos, I certainly would have saved myself for you."
If she'd had eyelashes, Jim was sure that eyelid flutter would have counted as batting them. "It's just that everyone seemed so happy to send us instead and well, most human guys aren't so good at resisting temptation. It made me wonder if all they had left to offer you were children."
Shivisa raised her head haughtily. I do not accept children - only strapping young men. I'm sure they only meant to please me by offering a new and unique flavor. She eyed Cupcake hungrily.
"So, it's about flavor?" Jim blurted out the first thing that came to mind, hoping to distract her from her chosen snack. "I mean, do virgins really taste better?"
Her tongue slid out and experimentally licked Jim's cheek.
A short time later, Jim woke to find that he was chained, naked and spread eagle, to what seemed to be a solid slab of gold. Well, at least he was going to go out in style. And just once, he'd managed to save one of his redshirts (unless Cupcake was chained down somewhere else so that she could to do a direct taste comparison).
Jim heard a soft rustle of scales and raised his head. Whoa. The creature coming toward him was covered in close-knit, shining magenta scales, plumed in cyan fur/feathers, and sported curved silver talons. However, she – very definitely she – was human sized and as lusciously curvaceous as the most heart-stoppingly beautiful fairy tale princess. And, she was just as naked as she had been in dragon form. The part of him that responded to that sort of thing no matter what the context, stirred between his legs.
The dragon/lady gave a low rumbling laugh and began to stroke his growing member with hands covered in soft, warm scales. It reminded him of the Gorn chick he'd done after the treaty celebration. That had been seriously hot. Despite the danger (and maybe a little because of it) her ministrations soon had him fully erect.
She looked down at him and opened her mouth in a wide, sharp-toothed smile.
McCoy paced around the stone chamber in which they'd awoken, minus the captain. "Dammit Spock, we have got to find a way to get out of here and rescue Jim!"
"I am endeavoring to do so, Doctor." The Vulcan replied, as he carefully felt along the rock wall for any sign of a hidden door. "However, my attempts might prove more productive if they were not hampered by your emotional outbursts."
"Fine." McCoy treated him to a short glare before stomping away to check a different section of wall.
Cupcake sat on a rock bench, his head in his hands. "This is all my fault."
Marks put a hand on his shoulder. "Dude, this is not your fault. There's no way anyone could have predicted this scenario. But the next time we're on Rigel, we're going to make damn sure you stop being dragon bait."
He snorted a small laugh despite himself. "That's just the thing. It should have been me, not the Captain that got taken. Some security officer I am, letting the Captain get eaten in my place."
Once Jim regained the capacity for rational thought, his first one was that if Cupcake ever found out what the sacrifice was, he was totally going to hate him for taking his place. While Jim was probably going to have some nightmares about sharp teeth descending over his swollen shaft, once that hot, prehensile dragon tongue had spiraled around him and started stroking in time with suction worthy of boa constrictor swallowing a wild ox, he'd forgotten all about the teeth. Holy shit, no wonder they didn't any have trouble finding guys who stayed virgins for an initiation like that! He didn't think he'd ever come so hard. The only mystery was why no one had fought them for the right to be the sacrifice.
The dragon/lady hovered over him, genteelly licking her lips.
"So how does that compare with virgin?" He grinned up at her, sincerely hoping she'd liked it enough to try another taste.
Not bad. She traced a silver talon along his lower rib. But I shall reserve judgment until after I have eaten your liver.
Okay, that explained why no one was shoving in line to be the sacrifice.
"Seriously, Cupcake, it'll be okay." Sulu said. "The Captain's like a magnet for this sort of crazy shit, but he always seems to find a way out."
"Lt. Grossman," Spock refused to refer to a Starfleet officer as Cupcake. "At present, remorse is both illogical and inefficient. I believe I have found a seam in the wall, so if you must feel guilt, please do so while helping me attempt to make an opening."
All four officers immediately joined Spock in pushing at the section of wall.
"I sure as hell hope this works and we're not too late." McCoy groaned as he pushed. "I could swear I heard Jim earlier, crying out something like 'Oh my God!'."
"Less worry, Doctor." Spock advised as he strained against the wall. "More pushing."
Jim thought fast as talons prepared to vivisect him. "Wait a minute! That's it?"
The talons paused. What else could there be?
"What else?" Jim tried to sound shocked at her naiveté, while furiously trying to come up with a 'what else' that might appeal to dragon in woman form. His eyes traveled to the cyan fluff between her legs. "You mean, in all the time you've been doing this, no one's ever offered to eat you too?"
She raised the blue tufts that probably counted as eyebrows. How could my prey possibly eat me too?
Curiosity – that was the ticket. Dragons, at least in earth lore, were curious. They horded knowledge like gold, and loved wagers. Jim grinned slyly. "Now see, Shivisa, that's the problem with only taking pure, young virgins. No knowledge of how to really please a lady."
Explain. Her eyes sparked interest.
"It's a little like what you just did to me, but frankly, explanation kind of pales in comparison to actually experiencing it." He wet his lips seductively (or what he hoped would look seductive to a lady dragon). "I'd love to show you, but…" He looked away a little sadly.
"But since you're just going to kill me afterward, it kind of takes the excitement out of it." He sighed. "It'd be hard to do my best work, which is a shame because I'm usually really good."
Her eyes half-closed in thought as talons moved to drum against the gold slab holding him. At least they weren't poised over his abdomen now.
He put on a bright smile, like a great idea had just suddenly hit him. "You know what would make it exciting? A wager."
Her eyes opened, clearly alight. What do you propose for this wager?
Ha! Hook, line and sinker! "I'll show you exactly what I'm talking about, and if you really enjoy it, you let me and my crew go unharmed. If you don't, you can eat my liver anyway."
Hmmm. I will agree to your wager. But there is one condition…
After what seemed like an unbelievable amount of effort, the rock finally began to move and then just rolled smoothly aside. To everyone's amazement and delight, the Captain was standing on the other side looking none the worse for wear. In fact, he looked surprisingly relaxed and happy.
"Jim! You're alright!" McCoy exclaimed.
"See I told you he'd find a way." Sulu smirked. "How did you get away, Captain?"
"I won a wager with the dragon, so we're all free to go." Kirk grinned.
Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Captain, might I inquire why there is a piece of blue feather in your teeth?"
Kirk quickly closed his mouth and used his tongue to locate and dislodge the tell-tale feather. "It's a long story Spock, but I think I may have found a solution to the whole sacrifice arrangement that will be a lot better for everyone. I just need to work out some details about the dragon's protein requirement. Bones, about how much protein is there in an adult human liver?"
"Probably about 200 grams, give or take."
"How much in cum?"
Bones lifted an eyebrow. "Just what are you cooking up in that diseased brain, Jim?"
"Just answer the question. It's important."
"Honestly, Jim, that's not exactly the kind of data I carry around my head." the doctor groused.
"Although there is a high degree of variation," Spock stated, "an average of 0.2137 grams would be the expected quantity for a healthy young man."
There was an uncomfortable exchange of glances as those present silently but unanimously decided that no one was ever going to ask why Spock knew that. Jim rubbed his chin, as he did some quick calculating. "I think we're going to need some help to do this."
"Do what, Jim?" McCoy demanded.
"Well, it's like this: there are two parts of human that the dragon likes to eat. She's agreed in principle to forgo eating anyone's liver again if she can get enough protein from the other source and the prey is willing to engage in a, well, exchange of services..."
Having explained the plan, and developed an appropriate rationalization for why changing the dragon-human system of tribute didn't technically violate the Prime Directive, Kirk set about putting his plan in action.
"Okay, I think Bones, Sulu and I can ::ahem:: hold down the fort here while the rest of you go to the village, get our communicators, and contact the ship."
"Captain, as human endurance is limited, would it not be more logical for me to stay and assist?" Spock asked.
"No, Spock, for three reasons: (1) we have no idea how the dragon might react the taste of Vulcan, (2) I need someone who can keep a straight face to explain the proposed arrangement to the villagers, and (3) having my liver torn out by a dragon would be nothing compared to what Uhura would do to me if I included you in the rotation."
Spock considered briefly. "An eminently logical argument, Captain."
"Well, I could stay." Cupcake offered.
"Appreciated, but I think until this new arrangement is solidified, it might be better not to tempt Shivisa to take one last sample of virgin liver." Kirk gave Cupcake a significant look. "And I think it would be a good idea to have someone else there when Marks explains the deal to the crew and asks for volunteers. If you want to pretend to have had firsthand experience, I'm cool with that. Trust me, nothing you could say would over sell the experience."
Cupcake pouted just a little. "Yes, sir."
"Excellent. Marks, remember I need at least a couple dozen volunteers to help out until we get the villagers on board with this. And it's very important that they all be really good at giving head." Jim smirked. "I think I can count on you to screen the candidates?"
Lt. Larissa Marks saluted smartly. "You can count on me, sir."
A week later, as the Enterprise finally left orbit, McCoy stood next to the command chair, almost unrecognizable for the sated smile replacing his habitual scowl. "Well Jim, of all your harebrained solutions to desperate situations, I think this one goes down as my all time favorite."
"Second that motion." Sulu said, the grin still etched into his face.
There was a round of 'ayes' from several members of the bridge crew.
"Captain," Spock asked. "Are you certain that we should leave before ascertaining that the new system of tribute will be satisfactory?"
"Much as I hate to leave, Spock, they need to know that they can do this on their own." Kirk watched the planet receding on the view screen with more than a little regret. "But I'm not worried. After the first few volunteers from the village started reporting back, it didn't look like there was going to be any problem at all getting the rest of the men to rise to the occasion."
AN: The Gorn are a reptilian race that appear in the TOS episode The Arena. The rest is the product of my own twisted imagination.
posted to st_reboot, trekfics